Raving Rants on a Raving Ranter

(language alert)

Well, I got yelled at by a black man today. I had just parked downtown and I stepped out of my car and smiled at a man who was just about to pass (as I always do, I'm a smiler. I know it's annoying) and upon seeing my smile, he started yelling at me, "Stop smiling and go on with your life! Who do you think you are, smiling at me? You don't even know any black men, and if you do, then they're all f*ggots. They're the only black men who'd be friends with an Asian. B*tch, you have nothing to smile about. Stop f*cking smiling at me..." He continued rant/yelling at me/the world as he walked away but those are the phrases I remember.

I started out confused- what had I done wrong? Then I got a quite scared because of his erratic behavior and his proximity. Then I started getting mad and defensive because in the same breath as he accused me of being prejudiced, he had put down my gender, my race, and my community. This is one of those many times in life that I asses my situation and decide to keep my mouth shut. I had my violin, I had my heels on, and I didn't have much height. I looked around at the people sitting a few feet away who looked accusingly at me as if I deserved the verbal lashing I just received.

As I mull it over still, I'm struck by how much pain this man must be in. To need to pass on that negativity. I can almost understand from where his indignant attitude stems. I lead a very hashtag blessed life and I don't fully comprehend the discrimination he must have faced in his lifetime- not for lack of trying. But to harass me about it wasn't a step in the right direction- it didn't help bridge the gap in my understanding.

I wish I didn't need to start this story with pointing out the color of his skin... but that's how he started out- by pointing out our differences. And that's why our community and our country are struggling.  

I know that I will be thinking about our interaction for many days to come.  Should I not have smiled?  Should I have responded to his accusations?  Should I have pointed out his hypocrisy?  Is there any action at all that would have made a difference for this man?  These are the types of events that make me feel so helpless these days.  Am I the only one who feels like I can make no difference in the world?  I work so hard to communicate how much I care, and, mostly, I try to make sure I'm bringing joy, to each person I interact with.  I have to remind myself that this is all I can do.  And this is enough.

“Few will have the greatness to bend history itself, but each of us can work to change a small portion of events. It is from numberless diverse acts of courage and belief that human history is shaped. Each time a man stands up for an ideal, or acts to improve the lot of others, or strikes out against injustice, he sends forth a tiny ripple of hope, and crossing each other from a million different centers of energy and daring those ripples build a current which can sweep down the mightiest walls of oppression and resistance.” 
-Robert F. Kennedy