Rit... Ritard... Ritardando

June 13, 2018 by Esther Shim in Narrative, Community, Teaching

Last night I was faced with the task of asking a student of mine not to use the word retard in my studio. Why did this even come up? Well, I asked a beginning student if he knew what the rit. mark in his music meant. He didn't know so I explained that it was an abbreviation of ritard, which was a shortening of the word ritardando. He perked up and said he recognized ritard because his dad called him that sometimes.

These are one of those defining moments that I will look back on and wonder for the rest of my life if I said the right thing- if I reacted in the most effective way. I asked him when and why his dad said that and he proceeded to demonstrate how he sometimes likes to go limp and pretend not to understand what is happening. I quickly had to decide how to explain why both his and his dad's actions were inappropriate, in my opinion, while not insulting said dad or dad's parenting choices. Did I mention that this kid is 9 and that English is his second language?

I spent the next 5 minutes on a twisted verbal adventure which started with defining ritardando (it. a gradual decrease in tempo), connecting it to how calling someone slow can be used in a derogatory manner, and ending with an adamant request to never use that word in front of me- all while not making his dad out to be the bad guy.

As a teacher and mentor, I find that I'm frequently in the position of influencing young peoples' perspectives on how to deal with social situations. Most of us didn't have the type of connection with our parents in our formative years that allowed us to be comfortable enough to talk about these tricky relationship dealings... at least I know I didn't. I find that many of the young people in my life feel the same way and yet somehow feel completely comfortable talking to me. This includes private students, students I have worked with at high schools or camps, and the kids (young adults now) that I have nannied. I've had discussions about drug and alcohol use, death, body changes, peer pressure, mental health, parental problems, identity (sexual and otherwise), and life goals. To me, these conversations are not only an honor, but a responsibility that I have to make sure that I take the opportunity to share a lens of positivity and respect with the next generation.

My attitude toward mental health, whether it's the use of the word retard, or the feeling of depression and anxiety, or something more outwardly visible, is something that is constantly on my mind. It may be because I have struggled with severe anxiety, depression, and even thoughts on the best way to leave this world. I don't share this lightly and I don't share this for attention. I share this because throughout my entire life as a woman, as a person of color, as an artist, as a teacher, and as a human, I have worked to present myself in a way that shows my stability and sanity- usually by keeping my deepest concerns and doubts hidden away.

But here is the thing: I'm no less of a woman, or a teacher, or a human because of my personal struggles.

This blog itself was something I started a little over a year ago to try to cope with my demons. I have struggled to follow through and share my thoughts- largely due to my fear of judgement. But this week, the importance of which I will explain in tomorrow's post, is a time when I'm finally ready to put these thoughts out there. In the next few days I plan to write at least 2 more posts; I hope that they resonate with you in some way. If nothing else, I will have been vulnerable enough for you to get to know another part of me, and, more importantly, I will have loved myself enough to do so.

“Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world.” -Lucille Ball

Raving Rants on a Raving Ranter

September 17, 2017 by Esther Shim in Narrative

(language alert)

Well, I got yelled at by a black man today. I had just parked downtown and I stepped out of my car and smiled at a man who was just about to pass (as I always do, I'm a smiler. I know it's annoying) and upon seeing my smile, he started yelling at me, "Stop smiling and go on with your life! Who do you think you are, smiling at me? You don't even know any black men, and if you do, then they're all f*ggots. They're the only black men who'd be friends with an Asian. B*tch, you have nothing to smile about. Stop f*cking smiling at me..." He continued rant/yelling at me/the world as he walked away but those are the phrases I remember.

I started out confused- what had I done wrong? Then I got a quite scared because of his erratic behavior and his proximity. Then I started getting mad and defensive because in the same breath as he accused me of being prejudiced, he had put down my gender, my race, and my community. This is one of those many times in life that I asses my situation and decide to keep my mouth shut. I had my violin, I had my heels on, and I didn't have much height. I looked around at the people sitting a few feet away who looked accusingly at me as if I deserved the verbal lashing I just received.

As I mull it over still, I'm struck by how much pain this man must be in. To need to pass on that negativity. I can almost understand from where his indignant attitude stems. I lead a very hashtag blessed life and I don't fully comprehend the discrimination he must have faced in his lifetime- not for lack of trying. But to harass me about it wasn't a step in the right direction- it didn't help bridge the gap in my understanding.

I wish I didn't need to start this story with pointing out the color of his skin... but that's how he started out- by pointing out our differences. And that's why our community and our country are struggling.

I know that I will be thinking about our interaction for many days to come. Should I not have smiled? Should I have responded to his accusations? Should I have pointed out his hypocrisy? Is there any action at all that would have made a difference for this man? These are the types of events that make me feel so helpless these days. Am I the only one who feels like I can make no difference in the world? I work so hard to communicate how much I care, and, mostly, I try to make sure I'm bringing joy, to each person I interact with. I have to remind myself that this is all I can do. And this is enough.

“Few will have the greatness to bend history itself, but each of us can work to change a small portion of events. It is from numberless diverse acts of courage and belief that human history is shaped. Each time a man stands up for an ideal, or acts to improve the lot of others, or strikes out against injustice, he sends forth a tiny ripple of hope, and crossing each other from a million different centers of energy and daring those ripples build a current which can sweep down the mightiest walls of oppression and resistance.”
-Robert F. Kennedy

The Symphonic Dilemna

November 10, 2015 by Esther Shim in Narrative, Music

I went to the symphony often while I was growing up. I was very lucky that my teacher was in the Oregon Symphony and my mom and I were often the recipient of her comp tickets. One of the stories my mom likes to tell of my childhood is the time we went to the symphony and I leaned over the railing of the dress circle to exclaim, "MOM! Look at that cellist! He has no hair!"

I still frequent the symphony- not as much as I would like but more than most of my peers who are at my age and place in life. When I go, I always look for the kid, the mini-me, who is hanging precariously over the railing looking for the man with a cello and a shiny noggin. Instead I look around and see a beautiful concert hall filled with beautiful people largely over the age of 50.

Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall, home of the Oregon Symphony, in downtown Portland, OR (12/11/14)

So where are all the kids, the me's from 15 years ago? Where are all my peers who I grew up in youth orchestra with? Where are all the young professionals in the prime of their life getting their weekly dose of culture and discovering their tastes? Where are all the young parents in their forties bringing their kids to the symphony to share their love of music with the next generation? Where is everyone???

Those of you who know me personally know that I have struggled with many parts of my upbringing. There were so many moments where I couldn't figure out if my background was a blessing or a curse. This is the journey of a first generation only child, whose parents were almost 40 by the time the child was born. There's a culture gap and a generation gap, all on top of being an only daughter. I have spent many nights lying awake pitying myself and criticizing my parents; I still struggle with certain conversations and events. (This could be a whole post in itself) However, after many years and many late night venting sessions with my close friends, along with perspective that only time and experience can bring, I can honestly look back and say that my parents did everything they truly believed they could toward my best interests. Getting back to the topic at hand, one of the things that I am most grateful for is their constant willingness to expose me to the arts. I don't know if it would have been the same without my teacher's comp tickets, but fortunately I'll never have to find out. They took me to the ballet, they took me to all the Christmas programs they could find, and obviously, they took me to the symphony.

So when I ask, "where is everyone?" I have to remember that my perspective is unique in so many ways. Though my parents never took me camping, they were willing to camp out in line to see my favorite violinist perform. Though they never got me tickets to see Britney, or Christina, or even the Backstreet Boys (whom I didn't actually know existed at that time anyway), they would happily get me tickets to the Oregon Ballet Theatre's Nutcracker every year. Though I had never been allowed to go to a movie theater before the age of 11, by that point, I had already played my first solo on the stage of the Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall (not to talk about the number of concerts I had attended). I still get a sense of peace when I walk into the lobby of the Schnitz as if I'm coming home. It's where I would go to find the bald cellist, and my inspiration. And I would walk out after a show tired and ready for bed with the emotional satisfaction I can only find in live music.

My happy place- eagerly anticipating an Oregon Symphony performance of Prokofiev's "Cinderella" at the Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall (11/3/14)

Now I may have just been the weird kid. But I LOVED going to the symphony. I have no idea if that is something that one is born with or if that is cultivated. However, I have never seen a child not appreciate hearing Orpheus in the Underworld. Even adults will bop their heads in time. My parents clearly made it a priority to take that compulsion and transform it into love for live performance.

When I look up the synonyms of the word "symphony" on the Merriam-Webster Thesaurus website, these are some of the words I find: balance, coherence, concinnity, consonance, symmetry, and unity. Now I'm not actually familiar with concinnity so I looked it up and it is defined as: "harmony or elegance of design especially of literary style in adaptation of parts to a whole or each other."

These are all such beautiful concepts. I know that the word symphony doesn't refer solely to the group of people on a stage, so I'm going to ignore that very literal definition for a moment. These words are positive concepts that any orchestra is proud to embody. None of these are achieved without respecting each other, listening to each other's differences, and agreeing upon how to use each unique person or talent as part of a whole. When you play in an orchestra, you learn to lead and learn to follow. You learn to be responsible for your own playing while also doing what the conductor suggests. You learn how complex human emotion is and how important it is to communicate those feelings. So why, why are more parents not emphasizing music classes then complaining of children who don't respect their classmates? Why are school districts cutting fine arts education and then wondering why their students don't feel a commitment to keeping up their grades and test scores? Why, as a society, are we so willing to accept that music education is an unnecessary expense then question why our children, the next generation, are unable to empathize with their neighbor, feel compassion, or express negative emotions without violence?

The Oregon Symphony taking a bow at a children's concert featuring "Peter and the Wolf" at the Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall (4/19/15)

I believe that the orchestras are doing a lot to attract the younger generations. I see more young soloists, more programming of recognizable music, and more children's concerts than ever before. This past spring, I watched a performance of "Peter and the Wolf" like none I had ever seen before. The story of Peter is a classic that I grew up on. I had it in picture book form which came with a CD that had the narration and the music. I listened to it almost as religiously as I watched the VHS of the Nutcracker every Christmas season. But the version that the Oregon Symphony presented for their children's concert in April was incredible! And, get this: the hall was sold out. Completely! That tells me that there are enough young people who want to go to the symphony.

The thing about young people, though, is that there usually has to be an older person with the younger person. How many parents, older siblings and mentors are willing to put in the effort dedicated to going to a live performance? Besides the cost of the ticket, it requires transportation, scheduling of activities around the event (homework, meals, soccer games, etc.), arrangements for other children, dressier clothes for most, and, possibly the hardest sacrifice, turning off electronic devices for close to 2 hours. To quote a viral YouTube video, "Ain't nobody got time for that!"

I don't know about you but I think we've GOT to make time for this! Our kids are growing up in a society where they don't get to experience the transformative power of music because we are too busy worrying about which profile picture is going to get us the most likes. I think we can all agree that our civilization is getting less civilized. We as a generation need to redefine our culture. I truly believe that we can find the answer to harmony in society through music and the concepts it lends itself to- and there's no better place to start exploring than the symphony.

So have you been to the symphony lately? Or the ballet? Or any live fine arts performance that utilizes a group mentality? I can't promise you'll be "converted" the first time you go. There are even times that I attend a concert after which I walk out a bit dissatisfied. But do you stop watching movies because one doesn't make you laugh as much as you expected? Do you stop listening to a singer just because one of their albums falls short? Do you give up on an author just because they didn't take the story line in the direction you thought it should go? No, you, I, we all go back, optimistic, hoping for something new and improved. So though I can't make any predictions about your first try, I can promise that you will find your genre of classical music. And when you do, it will change your life. I challenge you to go look for the most accessible orchestra near you. Look for the cellist with a little too much baby oil on his head. And maybe, just maybe, you'll discover a little more about humanity along the way.