Teaching — Staff Paper

Last night I was faced with the task of asking a student of mine not to use the word retard in my studio. Why did this even come up? Well, I asked a beginning student if he knew what the rit. mark in his music meant. He didn't know so I explained that it was an abbreviation of ritard, which was a shortening of the word ritardando. He perked up and said he recognized ritard because his dad called him that sometimes.

These are one of those defining moments that I will look back on and wonder for the rest of my life if I said the right thing- if I reacted in the most effective way. I asked him when and why his dad said that and he proceeded to demonstrate how he sometimes likes to go limp and pretend not to understand what is happening. I quickly had to decide how to explain why both his and his dad's actions were inappropriate, in my opinion, while not insulting said dad or dad's parenting choices. Did I mention that this kid is 9 and that English is his second language?

I spent the next 5 minutes on a twisted verbal adventure which started with defining ritardando (it. a gradual decrease in tempo), connecting it to how calling someone slow can be used in a derogatory manner, and ending with an adamant request to never use that word in front of me- all while not making his dad out to be the bad guy.

As a teacher and mentor, I find that I'm frequently in the position of influencing young peoples' perspectives on how to deal with social situations. Most of us didn't have the type of connection with our parents in our formative years that allowed us to be comfortable enough to talk about these tricky relationship dealings... at least I know I didn't. I find that many of the young people in my life feel the same way and yet somehow feel completely comfortable talking to me. This includes private students, students I have worked with at high schools or camps, and the kids (young adults now) that I have nannied. I've had discussions about drug and alcohol use, death, body changes, peer pressure, mental health, parental problems, identity (sexual and otherwise), and life goals. To me, these conversations are not only an honor, but a responsibility that I have to make sure that I take the opportunity to share a lens of positivity and respect with the next generation.

My attitude toward mental health, whether it's the use of the word retard, or the feeling of depression and anxiety, or something more outwardly visible, is something that is constantly on my mind. It may be because I have struggled with severe anxiety, depression, and even thoughts on the best way to leave this world. I don't share this lightly and I don't share this for attention. I share this because throughout my entire life as a woman, as a person of color, as an artist, as a teacher, and as a human, I have worked to present myself in a way that shows my stability and sanity- usually by keeping my deepest concerns and doubts hidden away.

But here is the thing: I'm no less of a woman, or a teacher, or a human because of my personal struggles.

This blog itself was something I started a little over a year ago to try to cope with my demons. I have struggled to follow through and share my thoughts- largely due to my fear of judgement. But this week, the importance of which I will explain in tomorrow's post, is a time when I'm finally ready to put these thoughts out there. In the next few days I plan to write at least 2 more posts; I hope that they resonate with you in some way. If nothing else, I will have been vulnerable enough for you to get to know another part of me, and, more importantly, I will have loved myself enough to do so.

“Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world.” -Lucille Ball